


I wish I could sleep, it looks so peaceful (when I’m watching you)

by Qt3_14



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Sokka (Avatar), Canonical Child Abuse, Child Abuse, Gay Zuko (Avatar), Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Nightmares, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, Past Child Abuse, Post-Episode: s03e14-15 The Boiling Rock, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Read trigger warnings before reading!, Self-Harm, Western Air Temple, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, Zuko’s Scar (Avatar), but mainly angst, light fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:54:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25831636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qt3_14/pseuds/Qt3_14
Summary: Zuko struggles with PTSD, self harm, and internalized homophobia, he starts opening up to Sokka.Will have scenes with self harm, describing self harm, describing an injury, describing nightmares and child abuse. Please be careful while reading! I will give more detailed warnings with each chapter.Work’s title is from Marceline Part 2 by Willow Smith
Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 178





	1. Blooming Seasons

**Author's Note:**

> Describes an injury (not self harm) and slightly mentions some scars that are self harm, though not explicit.

“Hey, why’d you leave? We’re about to eat.”

  
  


He was sitting on the mountain cliff, soaking up the sun before it went down for the night. It had been a few hours since they had gotten back from Boiling Rock, around evening time now. Zuko had slipped away during the reunions, and was now perched here, above the temple. 

  
  


“Not hungry.”

  
  


“Are you sure? I didn’t see you eat anything while we were there.” He was referring to their 48 hour “field trip”, he took a seat next to the older boy’s right, mirroring his almost meditative pose. He had learned that Zuko preferred someone to his right, on his untouched side, which he understood, he didn’t know how much mobility was left on his scarred area, if any.

  
  


His eyes were closed and his head was tilted up towards the sky, “Mhm.”

  
  


“Okay, if you change your mind just come over.” He went to get up, but something caught his eye.

  
  


“Wait- hold on, what’s going on here?”

  
  


Crimson was trickling from Zuko’s upper thigh, he went to inspect the source. His hands were brushed away from it.

  
  


“It’s just a scratch.”

  
  


“No, dude, that’s bleeding, like a lot.”

  
  


“It’s fine. I’m going back to my room.” He got up but a calloused hand wrapped around his wrist.

  
  


“It’s not fine, just have Katara ta-“ He spun around and snarled at him, his voice hard.

  
  


“I said it's fine.” Ripping his hand away, he walked away, leaving Sokka alone in the sour orange sky, the sun disappearing into the horizon. 

  
  


_“Spirits, that could’ve gone a hell of a lot better.”_

  
  


The day’s warmth was now gone, the bitter cool setting in for the night.

  
  


-

  
  


It was fully dark now, the forest above them humming low with life, the stars dully shining down, and the moon a sliver in the sky. The temple was asleep along with its inhabitants, with the spine chilling cold and eeriness, it felt almost haunted. His door was slightly open, it felt as though the spirits were wondering in and out of his room, visiting him with their freezing presence. 

  
  


His hand became an amber storm, his garnet pants scrunched up on one pant leg. He started sealing the door to his flesh closed, when something moved his tool away. That something was someone with eyes so big and scared, mainly confused. 

  
  


“Zuko, what’re you doing?!”

  
  


His eyes were glazed over, the scene was slowly coming into focus. 

  
  


“It was bleeding I was..” 

  
  


Gentle hands cupped his once scorching hand, he studied the boy cradling his hand. 

  
  


“Sokka, why’re you crying?”

  
  


He wiped his face and let go of his hand, opening a small box, filled to the brim with medical supplies, practically untouched, watching as those gentle hands cleaned and wrapped the crimson flower bed. Sokka tried to focus on helping his friend, not on his confusion at being helped, not on the dull look in his eyes, and especially not on the harsh fingerprint shaped burns marked onto ivory skin.

  
  


When the crimson roses were now covered with soft bandages, lapis fell back onto his face, and it was twisted with so much pain. 

  
  


His voice was quiet, like if he spoke above a whisper his vocal cords would turn to dust, “Please, ask for help, please, never do that again. I’m here.”

  
  


Icy sadness covered his expressions, he whispered, “I’m sorry.” 

  
  


A smile void of any joy was painted on his face,

  
  


“C’mon, let’s get you to bed, big guy”


	2. Gentle Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko and Sokka have a little, extremely awkward, talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talks about self harm and PTSD, but does not get graphic. Also mentions nightmares.

His eyes cracked open to the cool morning air, the early sunlight coming through the high windows, gently caressing him. He was bundled up into a warm pocket, with the Fire Bender peacefully asleep on his chest, soft onyx hair all rumpled up, the light hitting him so perfectly. He looked ethereal, and what made Sokka happiest, peaceful. 

  
  


_// He pulled the blankets over the shaking boy, making sure he was warm and secure underneath the comfort. The temple was far too cold at times, especially in the dead of night. It seemed as though he had already drifted to sleep, but a calloused hand still embraced his own._

  
  


_“Stay.” //_

  
  


He watched the steady rise and fall of his chest, and would’ve watched it for an eternity, but those amber eyes opened, bringing the tranquil atmosphere to a sharp close. He bolted to the other side of the bed, flushing red with shame,

  
  


“What’re you doing here?”

  
  


“Uh you asked me to stay after… after last night.”

  
  


Zuko’s memory was coming back to him, making him more embarrassed.

  
  


“I’m sorry I.. I’m sorry you had to- I-I gotta go train.” He stuttered out while clumsily throwing on his shoes and leaving the room, leaving the Watertribe boy alone in the now harsh light of the growing sun. 

  
  


-

  
  


“Hey, Boomerang, where’s Sparky?”

  
  


He was getting lunch set up, trying to light the fire for their meal.

  
  


“Isn’t he with Aang?”

  
  


The Earthbender was relaxing on her bedroll, a foot in the air, “Nah, he’s with Katara.”

  
  


“Huh.” Sokka was trying to seem uninterested and instead focused on his current task, but he should’ve realized that was a stupid attempt you know, being questioned by the human lie detector. 

  
  


“Did ya get it into a fight or somethin’? You’re both acting weird, more than your normal weird.”

  
  


He set the spark rocks down. “Not a fight but... something. If I go look for him can you watch lunch?”

  
  


“Oh yeah, totally, I’ll watch the flames and lunch, I’m an amazing chief.”

  
  


“Okay tha- Oh right.”

  
  


“You just get dumber by the minute.” She had a mean smile cracked into her. 

  
  


Sokka quickly finished lunch, throwing it into a bowl and muttering to Toph that she should go get the others, before totally-not-jogging-just-fast-walking to the shaky staircase to get to the forest. 

  
  


“Could ya go any faster, Capin’ Boomerang?!” 

  
-

  
  


He was in the same area from yesterday, now practicing his fire bending, but with an as expected small limp. He was shirtless and sweat coated him, his chest rising up and down hard, his back tense.

“Hey uh, I brought ya lunch!” He said, approaching him with a bowl of his famous rushed soup. 

Zuko was wiping his face with a rag, surprise filling him, “Oh- um.., thanks…”

His eyes lingered on his defined muscles, the sweat rolling from his throat, his rough but gentle hands as he took the wooden bowl. _“How could he be so hot (haha) while also being such a socially awkward dude? Multitalented, damn.”_

They took the same seats from yesterday, watching the nature around them. He fiddled with the bowl. “I’m sorry about uh.. this morning and um last.. last night…”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it, dude.”

“I uh… reacted, reacted poorly. I got freaked at people um… seeing me and… especially uh, Katara…”

“... I won’t tell anyone.. about what happened or… what I saw. You don’t gotta stress about it.”

He stared at his untouched soup, eyes sort of hazey, leg shaking slightly. Taking a break from chewing on his inner mouth he cleared his throat but it was still strained, “I know that it… It doesn’t really make… sense to you, it’s, it’s kind of hard to e-explain… uhm.”

“Yeah I don’t really get it but, I’m open to listening, try to understand you more. Only if you want to, no pressure.”

A weird sort of silence fell on them, Zuko took a few sips of his soup before sputtering out, “I didn’t… I didn’t make that, that gash on my leg if… if that’s what you’re uhm, wondering.”

He eyed him carefully, “Yeah, I know, but those others…”

An answer wasn’t expected but it was given after long moments. “Yeah.”

He set the bowl down now, fidgeting with his hands, legs shaking still, staring into the canyon. “I have uh this… this um, condition, as- as uncle calls it… It uhm.. I get these sort of… attacks, kinda and the doing… doing that can, it can help. I- I know it sounds stupid and- and made up but it uh it like, helps. Uhm.” A pale hand was pulling at his hair, seemingly unconsciously. 

He set a hand down gently on his bouncing knee with a weak but sincere smile, “I believe you.” The weak smile was returned.

“Thank you.”

“Of course just… maybe when you’re, feeling like doing that stuff, come talk to me, okay? We don’t have to talk about anything relating to that or something just uh, anything that you’d like.”

His fidgeting had eased up, nodding his head slightly. 

“And I-I can uh, stay with you again if, if you’d like.”

They both flushed a bit, “Oh, okay, uhm, thanks but you, you shouldn’t feel the need to- to offer or, or anything like that.”

“I’m happy to.”

_“Aw shit.”_

He reddened more, with a light “Oh.” Escaping his lips. 

“Well well I mean like uh, uh you w- like you were really like uh pea- peaceful? I’d- I’d say so and- and I’ve never uh seen you um, like, uh like that, before and- and I know you don’t uhm like, get- get a lot of sleep so I- I assumed like nightmares or… I, I get them too uh, nightmares, and it uhm it, it can help to- to have someone there.”

_“What the fuck am I saying?”_

Sokka had just realized his hand was still planted on the other boy’s knee. It felt like his face was on fire. He started moving it when Zuko’s hand stopped him, tenderly putting it on top of his. Now his face was a volcano.

He was smiling and so red, looking down, anywhere away from the other boy. “I’d like that.” He squeaked out. 

_“Fuck, his cute awkwardness is contagious! Did I just say cute?? Fuck I did, spirits.”_

The Fire Bender's thumb caressed his hand, just for a second, and that did not help Sokka’s condition.

He scurried to a somewhat standing position, heart pounding and feeling so frantic, “Yeah, uh um I uh, I, I’m gonna- gonna go get some uh, uh lunch an-and I’ll- I’ll see you like uh, tonight if you’d lik- well we are uhm gonna see each other for uh- uhm dinner but like I mean uh like later, that. Yeah, okay uhm bye.” He turned and wanted to sprint full speed away from his mess of words that probably made no absolute sense, but instead managed to just walk very quickly. 

Sokka got back to the temple, ignoring Aang’s greetings, grabbed a bowl of soup and wolfed it down as fast as he could without choking.

“What’s with ya heart rate, Captain?! Ya trying to be a jackrabbit?!”

“SHUTFH UTH!” 

The yell was not effective as his mouth was full and made everyone start hysterically laughing while he continued to shove lukewarm soup down his throat to avoid saying something so profoundly stupid.   
  


He felt so warm.


	3. Shriveling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The flower blooms, and then dies in the painful heat of summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW! This chapter deals with self-harm thoughts and impulses, but not acted on. Also internalized homophobia.

It was pitch black, his brain fuzzy from sleep, he couldn’t tell what had woken him up until he realized what that dull sound was. It was sheets rustling and violent shaking of the mattress. He didn’t need his eyes to adjust to know what was unfolding. He already knew this was a pretty regular occurrence for the older boy, but that didn’t mean it didn’t still wrench his heart seeing him like this. 

After the night they shared, clutching each other under the dull stars, it became an unspoken thing. Sokka would be splayed out on the floor, snoring loudly on his bedroll, while the other boy would be curled in on himself, dead quiet. To get Katara off his back he did a dramatic monologue of how cold it is outside and, no, Katara, I am  _ not  _ sensitive to the cold. The temple could get freezing outside at night with the sharp wind, and he didn’t have any sleeves! With a tiny bedroll! It was criminal, honestly, not his fault, honestly, what did they expect of him!? It was a good enough excuse to rid him of any questions he wouldn’t be able to answer. Because in all honesty, he could  _ not  _ tell anyone about this, he had earned Zuko’s trust and he had absolutely no intent on breaking that any time soon. He certainly wouldn’t want the others to know about how the strong broody Firebender was whimpering and thrashing right now. 

“Zuko..? Hey, Zuko, wake up.” Sokka said as he gently pushed Zuko awake.

The jostling stopped and Zuko was sitting up ramrod straight, sweat pouring off of him, his ragged breathing filling the room. 

“... sorry I... go back to sleep, I-I’m fine...” 

Well Sokka wasn’t gonna stand for that blatantly obvious lie.

“Alright, I’m comin’ up there.” 

Zuko tried to protest but he gave him a look of  _ put a lid on it, I’m helping you _ which got him to clamp his jaw shut. 

Both of them were able to see better in the dark now, and he looked over the fire bender once he sat down next to him off the edge of the bed. 

Sweat was still rolling down, his breathing better but still not good, eyes a bit wild. He recognized what he was feeling all too well, the shock of a nightmare. But it was still just a dream, he needed to know that, know that he’s safe. Sokka knew after he thrashed around it felt amazing to be held, be secure in someone else’s arms, even if it was just your baby sister or Gran Gran.

“I’m gonna touch you, alright bud? So don’t get all jumpy. Lie back down.”

Zuko did as he was told, with a cushioned thump as his head hit the pillow, too dazed to fight off the affection. Sokka scooted him over, and after a few moments of awkward shifts, they were both facing the wall, the Southern Watertribe boy holding a banished prince. His arm hung loosely over his friend’s firm stomach, the other shoved underneath his own head, their legs intertwining. 

He ignored the burning in his face, asking as calmly as he could, 

“Is this better?” 

Zuko was bone stiff, but after a bit like this, the stress eventually bled out of him, his tight muscles relaxing one by one. He let out a strained whisper, 

“Yes.” 

He nuzzled slightly into his neck, his heart pounding so hard.

“Is that why you’re always awake? Nightmares?” 

“Firebenders rise with Agni everyday, that’s just how we’re wired, but, yeah, I’m... bad, at sleeping.” His voice was tight.

“Have you had ‘em for long?” 

“Mm, I’ve had them for as long as I can remember really but they took like a, a turn, about three years ago. I know I should be used to them by now, but...”

“I have nightmares about my mom sometimes, it’s been years but it can be as jarring as the first time. Don’t beat yourself up over that.”

He took a shaky breath, Sokka could feel his body tremble slightly, before he spoke in a low murmur. 

“They used to be kind of, normal stuff, the nightmares, but after... after uhm, some stuff it doesn’t feel like nightmares at all. They feel... real. Like I’m back in that moment, and I know what’s going to happen but it’s, almost like I can- I can feel the pain. The burning.” 

He shifted his hand up to the shaking chest, slipping his hand into the trembling boy’s, he was warm.

“It relates to that um, that... condition, I told you about. They’re like attacks but when I’m sleeping. The attacks can be set off by, uhm, anything that- that reminds me of what happened. And it’s- it’s like I’m right back there, but the dreams, they don’t even need that trigger they’re just... always there. Waiting for me.” 

Sokka squeezed his hand, and buried his face into the nape of his neck. “Thank you for telling me about it.” He said, voice muffled in his charcoal hair, he smelled vaguely of cinnamon.

They fell asleep like that, bodies fit together like puzzle pieces, with warm faces and hearts, their hands still entwined. 

  
  


-

  
  


The first light of the day was seeping gently from those high hexagonal windows that were carved into centuries of old stone. He had risen with the sun, now with shoes chucked on and his daos slung over his shoulder. Golden eyes fixed on how the golden light illuminated that ridiculously loud snorer so perfectly. A tiny curve of his lips crept up on him, watching how his coffee hair was spilling everywhere, the way he cuddled the pillow in Zuko’s absence, how his chest gently rose like the sun and fell like the moon. 

_ “He’s beautiful.” _

He hadn’t realized what he was doing until he felt his burning fingers mere centimeters from his thigh. 

_ You’re disgusting. _

He knew what he was. He didn’t need a reminder but it still presented itself, dripping with black sin, coating him in it. He felt the heat of his entire hand about to wrap around the skin where he had hitched up his pants, but he froze.

Sokka wouldn’t want him to do this.  _ Especially  _ not in front of him. 

He let the flames extinguish and his hand drop back to his side, curling into a tight fist instead. He would go through the rest of the day with that furious voice screaming at him to do it, that he deserves it, and he was itching to just get it over, to silence the voice. But he couldn’t. Sokka’s words and sorrowful eyes kept replaying in his head. He never wanted to be responsible for his face cracking like that again, so he resigned to strong pinches and scratches. 

While he was able to restrain his urges, that voice stayed, ripping Zuko to shreds everytime he even glanced at the Watertribe boy. So he started slowly closing himself off, which didn’t go unnoticed by the other party. 

Sokka thought they made progress, thought they were at least… friends, to say the least. He’d let him heal him, let him bring him food, let him hold him, let him listen. Maybe he’d overstepped that night. But he would’ve let him know if he didn’t like it, right? He held his hand, he let him seep into him, hell, he had  _ asked  _ him to stay. 

And now he was shutting him out. 

_ No,  _ okay, we are  _ not  _ spiraling. Not today. Not now.

If he was gonna shut him out, fine. If he was gonna ignore him and disregard their progress, fine, not his problem. If he was gonna shatter his trust— fucking  _ fine _ . He was fine. 

He was in fact, not fine. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Not sure how long this is gonna last, probably 3-4. Thanks for reading!


End file.
